Lately I have taken to listening to the Bible app on my phone. (Reading a “real Bible” is tricky with a toddler. Who knew?) I was recently sweeping the kitchen while listening to Galatians, and I heard it as though God himself was teaching me how to discipline my children–with gentleness.

You know how your mind sometimes hears something partially, and then fills in the gap? I heard “mothers” where it actually said “brothers.”

“Mothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.”

Whoa.

I went back and listened to it again.

“Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.”

This is immediately after Paul discussed the fruit of the Spirit: Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control.

That was the ESV, but the NIV says it so well: “…if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently.”

Am I gentle when I catch one of my kids sinning?

Do you struggle, like I do, with being less than gentle in dealing with your kids? It’s hard, y’all. Especially when they are on my last nerve, we’re all hungry and tired of each other, and they’re completely unreasonable. So, like, summer?

But am I sometimes completely unreasonable with them? Do I bark orders impatiently? Is their humanity irritating me?

I just looked at that list of fruit again: Harshness is actually not a fruit of the Spirit.

If we claim to live by the Spirit, we are going to need to apply the fruit of gentleness when we discipline.

Gentleness in discipline does not mean wimpy parenting

We can be gentle even when we must be severe. Consequences can be serious. We can be serious. Punishments are sometimes necessary tools in this parenting gig.

The gospel directs us to restore with gentleness, or in a spirit of gentleness.

How do we do this? First, I must always look toward redemption and restoration.

Second, if the fruit of the Spirit includes gentleness, we must receive gentleness by faith and by practice. If God has given us what we need to obey him, we have to believe that he has also given us the ability to draw on him for this fruit when we don’t have it naturally.

What is the goal of discipline?

If discipline is to make our kids comply, then drill-sergeant yelling will work. But if the goal of discipline is actually to teach them, correct them, and restore them to healthy relationships with God and with others, then gentleness is important.

I thought back to the times I have hollered at them in annoyance, trying to correct their behavior by expressing my disappointment. Or worse, by making them sigh out feigned apologies while we’re on the go–because I just don’t have time to get to the heart of the matter.

There are times I have gone on the offensive, growing into the Incredible-Bible-Hulk, lording over them with, “the Bible says” to shame them into obedience. Lord, forgive me.

Paul also said, “Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ. For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself.”

How often I think that I am “something” without acknowledging that I can find the same filthy attitudes in my heart.  I deceive myself if I think that I have the upper hand on my children, and that I’ve attained something they have not.

Please hear me–I know Jesus, and I have walked with him since I was a child. But if I assume for one second that I have accomplished something by anything other than utter dependence upon the grace of the Lord Jesus–I am deceived. And if I go about disciplining my kids based on anything besides what Jesus has done, it is fruitless.

Am I after behavior modification or transformation?

The answer to this question will reveal a lot about my heart.

If my kids’ futures depends upon me and my ability to mold them into successful humans, I should definitely panic.

Trying to keep them in line and make them do the right thing can be motivated by fear. Fear of how they reflect on me. Fear of their ruin. Fear of being banished from that McDonald’s PlayPlace.

But if I really trust God–what he has done and is capable of doing for my children, I can put all my hope in the redemption bought on the Cross.

I don’t have to bring my angry eyes and all the exclamation points to convince my kids that what they did is wrong and that they should do the right thing.

via GIPHY

In faith I can preach the gospel to myself and to them every time we rehearse together the goodness, the kindness, the great lengths that Jesus went to, so that we can be restored to him.

What I have learned is that there is no actual growth, change, or repentance without bringing the good news of redemption into every opportunity for correction.

Is that weird and religious? I’m sure it sounds like it, but if the purpose of discipline (discipleship) is to teach my children to go to Jesus in everything, for everything, then I have to practice it as I lead them back to Jesus, every time we need his help.

And that’s an awful lot.

I’m working this out every day–some days better than others.

But this I know for sure: Restoring with gentleness depends on confidence in the good, capable love of the Father, who will embrace and guide our children. It is his kindness that leads us to repentance. May we lead them with gentleness.

 

Is this encouraging? Consider sharing this article. Thanks!

I’m joining the faith-filled writers over at Abounding Grace today!