If I could write a letter to myself as a new mom, I would answer so many complaints. Resentment had a strong hold on me for many months, perhaps years, early in my motherhood. So here is my letter to Old Resentful Cindy.

“I’m stuck at home with an infant all day every day. I am awake every two hours every night to nurse the baby. I can’t remember the last time I washed my hair. But my husband gets to go to work every day. By himself! And sometimes he even takes naps! It’s not fair.”

Pathetically,

Old Resentful Cindy

Dear ORC,

Hey, I see you. Your life has turned upside down. You are your baby’s primary caretaker. Especially since you’re breastfeeding–which is the hardest thing you’ve done to date. You have hormones going bonkers. Fluids leaking from everywhere. I know that first baby won’t nap longer than 35 minutes. Ever. 

And it kills you that your husband’s life is basically the same as it ever was. He’s back to work. He leaves the house wearing clean clothes. He has hobbies. He comes home and tells you he’s tired and asks what’s for dinner. He will never be able to nurse the baby.

And we all know that’s not fair.

But resenting your husband for being in a different stage of parenting is not going to help you. And it’s not going to change him.

Don’t buy into the lie that says that if you’re at home, exhausted, and having a miserable time, he should stay home and have a miserable time with you. And please don’t try to sell that lie to him. 

You’re looking for a break, and for your struggle to be validated. But as much as you want that–maybe even need it–these things will not offer the relief you’re looking for. There is not a physical solution to the soul rest that you need.

Stewing silently about it is not going to make anything better. Yes, you should talk to him. But before you bring it up, ask yourself why you’re so upset about it.

Resentment is rooted in fear.

When you’re looking for things to be fair, and resenting someone else’s freedom, possessions, or place, you’re really trying to prove your worth. And questions of worth stem out of fear that you’re not enough.

God knows. He cares. And he gave you this life and this family and this job of motherhood. Not because you’re capable, but because He makes you sufficient (2 Corinthians 3:5-6). Not to show yourself to be an excellent parent or wife or friend or Christian, but to show Himself excellent in provision and generous in mercy (Ephesians 2:4-5).

After you’ve gotten clear about your heart and had the conversation with God you should finally have something to say to him. Something that has faith–even if it’s just to talk about your process and share your expectation that God will help you.

You might have to talk about adjusting the schedule or shifting responsibilities for this season. Life just changed, there’s no reason to try to make the square peg fit in the round hole just because it used to be a square hole. But check your motivations for making these changes.

The antidote to resentment is gratitude.

I watched self-pity and resentment eat me up and steal the joy of parenting my first two kids. It caused too many fights and stole too much sleep – which was scant enough as it was.

Please deliberately be thankful for your husband, the work he puts in at his job, even that he has the chance to get out and de-stress rather than have no outlet outside of his career.

Take a few minutes to really see him; consider the pressures he deals with daily in attempts to build a career, provide for a family, and then handle his wife’s meltdowns when he comes home. 

And yes, it’s not fair. Because life isn’t fair and neither is motherhood. This is just a tough few months. But within about a year everything will be different. That unendingly needy baby will not be as urgently dependent on you. You’ll get more sleep. You’ll be able to go out for fun for hours or overnight for a girls weekend.

Remember it’s also not fair that as a mom you will get all the sweetest snuggles. Moms know the nuances of your babies’ cries. We can (sometimes) interpret crazy toddler babble. Moms know which flavor of puff our baby will not eat. We are the ones who can comfort teething kids just by giving up our laps for a few hours. We get their nighttime whispers in the dark.

Resentment makes you a victim of your circumstances and your family. If you’re going to stir something into your morning coffee, let it be faith, hope, and love. Faith that God truly has given you what you need; hope that He is holding you today; love that gives you eyes to behold this family as a gift.

This is the second installment of my series, Letters to a First-Time Mom.
See the previous one about Postpartum Hormones here.
For fun, enjoy my post about Postpartum Hair-Loss here.
What would you tell yourself if you could write a letter to your new-mom self?

Share your experience in the comments.