Here you are with a baby. There’s a steep learning curve and you’re figuring it out on the job, with less sleep than ever. It is easy to feel like you’re drowning. It’s easy to think you’re failing. And it’s easy to feel you’re not enough. But I want you to remember you’re doing the best that you can.

You will always be learning new things and gaining experience, but until you are an expert, you’re just doing what you know to do. (News flash: experienced moms got there by just doing the best they could for years.)

Comparison says you’re not enough

In the early days of my motherhood I spent a lot of energy wishing I could do things better. I wished I could keep up my house the way one of my mom friends could. I dreamed of homeschooling my kids. Oh of course it would be better if I fed my kids home-made-from-scratch-organic-non-GMO foods. It sure would be nice if we had a nursery like the ones online. If only we had the funds to put the baby into dance/swim/music/crawling/sign language classes. My load would be lightened if I had a husband who voluntarily cleaned the bathroom like I heard some did. (I hadn’t learned how to deal with resentment yet, if you can’t tell.)

But I had to come to terms with the resources and energy that I had. I could feel defeated or frustrated, or I could embrace what I was given, and accept the challenge of parenting my own children, in my own home, and simply do the best I can.

There might be better methods, better products, or more efficient ways to manage your home, but even if it’s imperfect, you’re doing the best with what you have to offer for your family.

There might be nicer baby gear, a safer car, better school options, better home-cooked meals, or better technology. “They” will always make new advances or come out with another study.

Maybe you have more kids who have their own needs, not just a new baby. Perhaps you can’t spend as much time with your bigger kids or can’t afford to take great vacations now. Maybe your school choices are limited and not ideal. Perhaps you have to go back to work, or have a home-based business, or are giving up a career to be home with your kids. Whatever the case may be, you make the choices you do because you love your family yet have physical, financial and time limitations. Your priorities are based on what you can actually do.

What do you have?

You might not be able to change your circumstances right now, but you can change your perspective.

• What are you doing well? Right now all you might have going for you is that your new baby smells good. That’s OK. Maybe you have been able to wash your hair occasionally and you might be caught up on dishes. Maybe you’re supermom and have an orderly house and are caught up on dishes and laundry and you have clean hair. Go you! Whatever you are able to do, celebrate that.
  
  When I had my first baby I was bad at everything. The house was a wreck, I couldn’t think far enough ahead to plan for meals, the baby wouldn’t nap so I could barely eat, and I was not a good friend to my husband. The only thing I managed well was laundry. I have no idea why, unless it was that there were only 3 of us then–and baby laundry is still kind of cute. But I carried feelings of overwhelming failure for years.

• Can you make any changes? Have you thought critically about your situation while looking for new options? Turn off the excuses and the blame-shifting and really look for a solution. It could be time to have your groceries delivered to you, or to hire someone to help around the house. Are these ideas cost prohibitive? Maybe you have a skill or service you can offer to bring in extra income.
  
  However, maybe it’s just time to lower your expectations on yourself for a couple months. Having a baby is a stressful transition, like moving, getting married, grieving a loss or starting a job. If you expect to sail along like nothing is different, I hate to break it to you, but that’s delusional.
  
  It may be that you’re in a season that needs to expire before much can change. That’s OK. You might have a baby who nurses for 45 minutes every 2 hours and it could be that way for a few weeks. But I promise you it will not be like that at this time next year.

• Who can you ask for help? Are you on a path to implode with the pressure of trying to handle it all? We’re not meant to carry family and motherhood alone. Take inventory of relationships you have. Is there a compassionate and wise friend you can call for advice? There is so much hope in knowing that you, too, can make it out of the newborn stage and on to school-aged kids. Is there a widow in your church who would like nothing more than to hold the baby so you can shower, or fold your laundry while you’re nursing? Could you hire a teenager to be a “mommy’s helper” a couple afternoons a week?

Are you trying to do it all yourself?

It could be that you simply don’t have what you need to do everything on your plate. Have you looked up? (Psalm 121:1-3) Have you leaned on your heavenly Father? Have you accounted for the resources you have in Jesus? The biggest difference between me with my first baby and me with my fourth baby is that I’ve learned to withdraw from the riches of God’s glory.

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith–that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever Amen. (Ephesians 3:14-21 ESV)

Now, He is able to do far more abundantly than all we ask or think, but are you even asking or thinking that his power could work in little ol’ you?

If you say you believe the above scripture, or sing a song that says ‘God is my strength,’ while doubting you can make it to your second cup of coffee, there’s a disconnect. There’s a gap between what you believe in your head and what you walk out in your home.

So you can pray, “God, you see my limitations. You know I’m weak. You said in my weakness you show up strong, and I am depending on your strength, not mine. I need your power to work in me.” Then breathe in and out and expect to have exactly as much endurance as you need. Coffee optional.

When it comes down to it, we’re all doing the best we can.

While your best right now might not be your best from the glory days of college, all your family needs is what we can offer right now–with the help of the Holy Spirit. That’s what we need to remember so we don’t fall into the trap of guilt and looking at all the things that we can’t do.

Finally, remember this: If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be doing your best. But you do care. And you are doing the best that you can.

This is the third installment of my series, Letters to a First-Time Mom.
I also talk about Postpartum Hormones and Resentment.
For fun, enjoy my post about Postpartum Hair-Loss here.

The mom struggle is real. It’s a joy and a trial at the same time. What aspect of motherhood would you like to discuss next?