The connection of discipline

She’s struggling.

I watch her–bouncing from one thing to another, harassing her sister, discontent with what’s in the pantry, and looking for trouble.

She needs something–more than a snack, more than something to do, more than an attitude adjustment.

There is something not settled in her heart that is causing her to be “off.”

She feels disconnected. She needs re-connection.

Discipline should connect more than correct

I could nit-pick at her tone of voice, her poor choices, and her general pestering, spending the rest of the day going after the symptoms. While things may smooth over by bedtime, if she doesn’t go to Jesus, nothing really changes.

My goal when disciplining is now to connect my child to the Father, not merely correct her.

This perspective has made the discipline style in our home change from one of high tension and quick fixes to one that involves a lot more listening and really depending on the Holy Spirit.

Sin is a breach of relationship. When something has unraveled in our relationship with the Father, what follows are the sins we see–lying, fighting, complaining, and the like. Recognizing this allows us to address the heart.

This is discipleship, not just discipline.

My girls have chosen to follow Jesus already, so they are my sisters in Christ. In him they are my equals, not subordinates.

I have a greater sense of fear and respect when I remember that I am not just trying to train them to be decent humans. I’m entrusted with little ones who belong to Jesus. (Don’t get me wrong: I have my “because I’m the mom” card to pull out as needed!)

He is after relationship more than good behavior

He is much more interested in our right relationship with him, than he is in our not hitting, not talking back, and not etching our names into the furniture. Have you noticed that in so many of Jesus’ interactions in the gospels, when a person’s sin came up, Jesus’s priority was the heart motivation?

We will address the action, but we must also go deeper and address the heart, reminding them of the truth that they can be brand new again, with re-connected relationship—every day.

“If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation.” (2 Cor 5:17-18 ESV)

Every time we discipline our children it should have this end: We give the opportunity to mend the rift—”be reconciled to God.” (2 Cor 5:20) This is the good news!

God has made it possible for peace to reign in our relationships with him and with one another.

The Holy Spirit can help us recognize what is really going on. He will bring the resolution, the peace, and change in their hearts. Our part is to encourage our children to pursue him.

These are some elements that I have found essential as I’ve practiced this process of connecting discipline.

Elements of Connecting Discipline

Love—Above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect unity. (Colossians 3:14)

Humility— In the stress of the moment, it is easy to use the tools of shame, I-told-you-so’s, and coerced apology. Humility is vital when we deal with our children, because we have to obey what we sense the Holy Spirit is saying. And he will always lead us in humility. (1 Peter 5:5) We deserve the free gift of grace no more than our kids do.

Prayer—Take a moment to ask God for help first. He will give you direction for the whole interaction. There is power in acknowledging that you are both in desperate need of a savior.

Self-examination— What I see in my children is often a mirror of my own heart. Do you remember Jesus’ words about having a log in your eye, while you’re going after a speck in your brother’s eye? (Matthew 7:3) This does not disqualify us, but it should motivate us to seek our own resolution with the Father.
Sometimes we set the stage for our children’s misbehaviors through our own provocation, lack of boundary, or lack of preparation. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve apologized to my kids. And the oldest is only 9. I can’t imagine how many times I’ll get to say I’m sorry before they’re all out of the house.

Scripture—Ask God to bring to mind a phrase or verse that applies. Sometimes when I don’t know where to find it, I have used the Bible app on my phone in front of the kids to search. Again, humility. They need to know that they can use the same tools we have.

Time— Sometimes there’s only half a second to pray, “Oh God, help me” before we walk through repentance and restoration. Other times, I might have hours or days to ask God for wisdom.

This way of disciplining our children takes more time because it is not a quick fix—it’s a deeper work. We teach them to meet with a transcendent Almighty God, who alone can change our hearts. Leading our children to him makes room for transformation, not just modified behavior.

We have opportunities to facilitate connection

As I wrote this, my kids interrupted me about 100 times (not even an exaggeration). Some of those times were because they needed redirection and connection with God. I didn’t always follow this process. I admit I did more than the necessary amount of yelling.

One of the girls had blamed the other for something—maybe rightly, maybe wrongly, but it was over something minor. It would have been easier to say, “Apologize and move on.”

But I knew there was something deeper going on. I had to stop, ask God for help, look in their eyes, and search the scriptures with them. They climbed on the bed with me and we opened the Bible app on my phone.

The day before I had been reading in Psalms and had a vague memory of reading something related to being accused. After scrolling for a minute I found it and we read the entire psalm together.

I asked, “Is there anything here that can help you with what just happened?”

My seven-year-old pointed out a verse that I wouldn’t have picked but she applied it in a way that it gave her hope.

There was a connection made between her heart and her Father’s heart.

There was a difference in the air the rest of the day because we paused, listened to what God had to say to us. We rolled off the bed laughing and full of faith. We were all changed.

We discipline with faith, trusting that God will meet them, draw them, and reconnect them–in a way that only he can.